Letting go of control (repost)

There are relatively very few things outside of ourselves that we have control over, yet we spend enormous amounts of emotional capital on things we cannot change. If we look closely we may find that this is nothing more than a way we distract ourselves from being present. By transmitting our energy onto something or someone else we push our minds away from whatever emotion we are feeling in the present moment.

Focusing on controlling the actions and thoughts of others moves us away from dealing with our own issues. We make the excuse, "I will deal with my problems once I fix theirs". In the end, this thinking comes with the risk of doing more harm to both ourselves and those we are focused on.

Much of the Buddhist practice is centered on letting go of the hindrances our minds cling to. Letting go of control is one of the most difficult tasks most practitioners face. We think we feel safe when we are in control yet the truth is that when we are controlling, pain and conflict are never far away.

Learn to let go. Peace comes from learning that we not only cannot control all the things and people around us, but also in the understanding that we do not need to. Next time you feel the urge to control someone, stop yourself and just observe. See what happens when you just let things happen.

As you practice letting go of control, you will start to realize how unimportant much of what has happened in the past really is. The things you held onto so tightly will reveal themselves as nothing more than stories built within our own mind. We will enjoy better relationships with all that is around us, letting us focus in the present moment where all happiness lives.

Moments that shape us

Life is an interesting thing. From the moment we are born, events and experiences begin to shape us.

Since I was born at a very young age, I don’t remember much about the first few years although I am sure that this was a time of great change. Then and since, all my experiences have made me what I am today. What I experience today will make me what I am tomorrow.

Every joy, every sorrow, manipulates our brain cells, altering our outlooks and aspirations both for the better or the worse. While we can control to a degree how we choose to look at things, we can not escape the fact that we have changed.

I will be a different person, albeit slightly, when I finish writing this post. You will be a different person by the time you finish reading it. While I do not expect my words to dramatically alter your life, the simple fact that you are reading this means your brain is processing thoughts through chemical rearrangement.

Most of us can think back to our early years and beyond, remembering our life changing experiences. Traumas, successes, and failures place their indelible marks on our psyche changing each of us as we travel down the path of life.

For us to find peace, we need to leave the past in the past but sometimes it helps if we take a moment to understand how we ended up where we are.

Understanding that some events were not in our control and others were, can illuminate the reality of life allowing us to learn from both our successes and mistakes, helping us to forgive ourselves and others who may have unintentionally hurt us.

Let us understand that we are the product of our past but in no way is this the sum of our future. We can not stop ourselves from changing, only make the best choices we can to make changes for the better.

A message for today

Although my time has largely been committed these past few months to things that have not allowed me to enjoy many interactions with you, my friends, it is your support and the wise words so many of you write that help me maintain the perspective that their is still good in this world.


On this Christmas day, may you be filled with the blessing of joy and peace.

Merry Christmas,
Roger

Not to blame, not to strike, to live restrained under the law, to be moderate in eating, to sleep and sit alone, and to dwell on the highest thoughts--this is the teaching of the Awakened. "Buddha"

Winter's lesson

Mother nature forced me to pause for a few days to dig out from recent storms that left close to two feet of snow and a need for a lot of shoveling. I welcomed the respite from months of speaking and travel to just enjoy this winter wonderland in all its beauty. Nature always has a way of reminding me how important it is to take in her wonder and return me to a more calm self.

Winter storms have a way of slowing the pace of life as our list of "need to accomplish" becomes impossible, leaving us to be with what is. Often it takes a forced break from our everyday hustle and bustle for us to realize that we have not been spending enough time with ourselves. Soon enough the roads are cleared and we are once again be faced with all the distractions conspiring to prevent us from living in the present moment. For me, I hope this chilly reminder will allow me to see things as they are.

As I left to rejoin the world today it did not take long for my mind to become wrapped up in the day's events and issues. The thermometer read -14 degrees as I left for the office, thankful that the heater in the truck was narrowly winning the battle for comfort. Just before arriving at the office, I was once again offered a little reminder of the greatness of nature when I spotted a coyote chasing a squirrel who narrowly escaped becoming breakfast as it scurried up a tree. The coyote was nice enough to pause for a picture before moving on to look for another meal.

May we each be reminded that no matter how bad we believe things are, there is still greatness in the world waiting for us to experience it. Our journey in this life is short leaving us to choose the things that matter the most.

Political divide

As a Nation, we have allowed ourselves to be divided along political lines to the point that debate has been replaced by hateful rhetoric. Once we identify ourselves with a particular ideology we often select the information sources that reinforce the idea that the “other” side is just plain wrong. We stop looking deeply at issues believing that the information we gather through so called news services lets us stay current on the events of the day.

This fact is well understood by our political leaders who work hard to perpetuate this division allowing them to stop short of providing the facts behind their actions. Political protests on both sides’ highlights the fact that this division brings out a vitriolic hatred for anyone with opposing views and we spend our days mired in hatred rather than the facts of an issue.

I have purposely not spoken about political issues here because it would take away from the message of the blog. Those who know me also know that I am deeply involved in the political process. This is why this blog has been somewhat neglected recently. Being positive and political at the same time is a difficult balance. It is not a balance I have mastered.

The mission of my political work is to bring people together to dialog about the issues that are important to each of us whether we realize it or not. Only by putting partisan hatred aside and beginning to speak and listen to each other will we be able to understand what is happening while we argue. There are destructive forces at work in the halls of the World’s governments which have nothing to do with Democrats and Republicans.

Do your best to look at every issue carefully and resist the temptation to draw a conclusion based on a letter following a person’s name. This message is not always well received when I speak but I know that as individuals, we are a lot more alike than different. Most of us want the best for all, leaving us the choice to remain mired in hatred or opening our minds to find common ground. The answers do not come from government, it comes from us. Propaganda that fits our ideals is still propaganda.

Accepting Yourself

How much of your own life have you missed? The simple act of living takes us away from so much of what lies underneath our surface self. Over the course of our lives, the world continuously thickens the shell around our true nature. Traumas from childhood, responsibility for others, money troubles, difficult relationships, etc… create the armor we build around ourselves thinking it will protect us from further harm. Sadly, much of this ends up shielding ourselves from ourselves, preventing us from being truly happy.


Our culture or perhaps human nature leads us to define ourselves based on external standards. Growing up you may have heard; “You should be more like him.” Or; “Why don’t you act more like her.” Inadvertently, this is often how the process of loosing ourselves begins. There is seldom any malice in the actions, just well intentioned caretakers trying to help us learn to fit into society. Those charged with caring for us, especially when we are young, are really just trying to save us from the pain of not fitting in to a highly structured culture.

I am not advocating anarchy or implying that societies do not need rules and certain social norms to function, they do. It is simply that by allowing ourselves to be blinded to our true nature through believing that we must be “just right” that we rob ourselves of our own love. Measuring up to the ridiculous stereotype of what we should be like, look like, act like, think like, is impossible. We all have flaws that cannot be simply airbrushed like a cover shot of a magazine.

Have you ever said to yourself, “I wish I was thinner, taller, faster, etc?” My guess is that everyone has at one point answered, yes. A yes answer does not make you abnormal. We all do this several times a day in one form or another. Our problems arise when we begin to identify ourselves with our faults rather than our true nature. “I’m an angry person.” “I’m a sad person.” “I’m a fat person.” Is this really all you are? None of these are who we are inside. Each is a condition that we have learned to identify ourselves with.

Self love and acceptance is the only way to find true inner happiness. How wonderful it would be to look at yourself and drop the negative story. Opening our heart to ourselves lets the light of the world shine into the spaces we have kept so dark. Self love is not narcissism. Narcissistic people use the false love of themselves as a defense against their inner suffering. True self love is not selfish.

An often quoted teaching of the Buddha reads; “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”.

A hint of winter

Overnight, Mother Nature left a hint that winter is just around the corner. I awoke this morning to see the trees blanketed with snow from an early season storm. Driving into my office to catch up on the pile of correspondence needing to be dealt with, I could not help being caught up in the wonder of how fast the seasons change.

Regardless of whether or not I am ready, winter is coming complete with snow shovels and ice melt. I am counting on the weather service to be correct in saying that the next few weeks will return the region to warmer weather allowing me to harvest some of nearly ripe tomatoes still hanging on the vines.

Embrace the changing seasons. Each has so much to offer us if we just pay attention. If you would like a little snow, I should have an entire driveway full ready for you to take in about a month. You can even use my shovel. :)